Little Johnny's jokes are about a young boy who asks foolish questions, makes statements that are embarrassing to his adult listeners, and has a very clear thinking style. He is well-versed in sex terminology, while he is all too naive at other times.
Little Johnny's jokes are hilarious because they place grown-ups in potentially humiliating positions! Take a look at some of these funny Little Johnny jokes.
Short funniest Little Johnny's jokes ever
Crack up your friends with these short Little Johnny's jokes whenever you both need a good laugh.
1. When asked what he would do if they hit the lottery
Do you have a groundbreaking story you would like us to publish? Please reach us through email@example.com!
Teacher: Don't you have an answer to the question?
Little Johnny: No, ma'am, if I won the lottery, I'd have my secretary answer questions.
2. Being asked about his homework
Teacher: How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?
Little Johnny: About 8 kilometres miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.
3. Being asked about work by his mother
Mother: Johnny, how far have you gotten with your work?
Little Johnny: Well, about six miles.
4. While playing on the playground
Ms Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
5. During an essay exam
Teacher: Johnny, your essay on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your sister's! Did you just copy hers?
Little Johnny: No, ma'am, but it's the same dog!
6. About his strange pair of socks
Teacher: What a strange pair of socks, Johnny; one of your socks is green, and the other is red.
Johnny: Yes, it is very strange. I have another pair at home exactly the same.
7. Naming of pronouns
Teacher: Johnny, please name two pronouns.
Little Johnny: (Looking puzzled) Who? Me?
8. What are you going to be?
Teacher: What will you be when you get out of school?
Little Johnny: An older man!
9. About honesty
Teacher: Now, Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?
Little Johnny: No, miss, my mother is an excellent cook.
10. His teacher visiting home
Little Johnny's instructor paid a visit to his family at their home. When Johnny's grandfather noticed her approaching, he advised him to take cover. "No way," Johnny answered hastily. But, Grandpa, you must flee. I told her I had to go to your funeral the day before yesterday.
11. When asked about his future wife
Teacher: Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?
Little Johnny: Like the moon
Teacher: That's such a beautiful answer because it is calm and peaceful.
Little Johnny: No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.
12. What he wants to be when he grows up
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny: A detective. So that way, I can be just like dad.
Teacher: (Looking surprised)
Little Johnny: Oh no, he's not a detective. He's a thief.
13. Johnny praying
Teacher: Why are you praying in class little Johnny?
Little Johnny: My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep.
14. The naughty boy
Little Johnny's mother is in the shower when he goes in and says, "What's that in between her legs?" His mother claims it's her keyhole. Little Johnny sees his father having a shower the next day and asks the same question. His dad responds that it is his key. Little Johnny tells his father the next day that it appears that the neighbour has the key to mommy's keyhole as well.
15. A salesman rings the doorbell
Salesman: Can I see your dad?
Little Johnny: No, he's in the shower.
Salesman: What about your mother? Can I see her?
Little Johnny: Nope. She's in the shower, too.
Salesman: Do you think they'll be out soon?
Little Johnny: Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.
16. Issues with the report card
Father: Johnny, where is your report card?
Little Johnny replies: Sorry, dad, I don't have it.
Father: Why not?
Little Johnny: I lent it to my friend; he wanted to scare his parents.
17. The messy Johnny
Little Johnny: Mom, you know that lovely vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?
Mom: Yes. What about it?
Little Johnny: Well, the last generation just dropped it.
18. Who knows this?
Teacher: Does anybody know what we call a person who keeps talking when nobody else is interested?
Little Johnny: A teacher miss.
Clean Little Johnny's jokes
Most individuals have utilised best Little Johnny's jokes to bring out the group's humour and a joyful mood during a chat. Here are some of the hilarious Little Johnny's jokes.
1. Wondering why his dad is bald
Little Johnny: Mommy, why is dad bald?
Mommy: That's because he thinks a lot.
Little Johnny: So, mommy, why do you still have all your hair?
2. When asked a question about his future career
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny: I want to be a millionaire, go to the most opulent clubs, take the best b*tch with me, buy her a Ferrari for over a million dollars, a condo in Hawaii, a home in Paris, a private aircraft to travel across Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and make love to her three times a day.
Teacher: And you, Susie?
Susie: I wanna be Johnny's b*tch.
3. Counting numbers
Teacher: What's two and two?
Little Johnny: 1-2-3-4. Four, teacher?
Teacher: Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three.
Little Johnny: Six, teacher?
Teacher: Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five.
Little Johnny: Eleven, teacher?
4. Customer is always right
Boss: (Shouting) Little Johnny, come to my office right now.
Little Johnny: Yes, sir!
Boss: Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir! The customer is always right.
Boss: So what were you arguing about with that customer?
Little Johnny: He said my boss is stupid and an idiot, sir!
Boss: That bustard. What did you say to him?
Little Johnny: I told him he's right.
5. During the new lesson on multi-syllable words
Teacher: Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
Teacher: Great Jane, that has two syllables, Mon......day
Teacher: Does anyone know another word?
Little Johnny: I do, I do, me me me.
(Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour, she picks Mike instead)
Teacher: OK, Mike, what is your word?
Teacher: Great that has three syllables.
Little Johnny: I know a four-syllable word; pick me.....
Teacher: OK, Johnny, what is your four syllable word?"
Teacher: (Shocked) Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful.
Johnny: No, Maam, your thinking of a blow job, and that is only two syllables.
6. While doing his homework
Little Johnny: One plus six, that son of a b*tch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a b*tch is eight.
Mother: What are you doing, Johnny?
Little Johnny: I am just doing my maths homework.
Mother: And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?
Johnny: Yes. (The mother looks very angry and immediately phones Johnny's teacher)
Mother: What on earth are you teaching my son in class?
Teacher: Right now, we are learning mathematical addition.
Mother: And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a b*tch is seven?
Teacher: What I taught them to say was one plus six, the sum of which is seven.
7. Wrong spelling
Teacher: Class, how do we spell the word elephant.
Little Johnny: E-L-E-F-A-N-T.
Teacher: That is wrong.
Little Johnny: Well, it may be wrong, but that's how I spell it.
8. Learning about punctuation
Little Johnny: Why are periods so important?
Teacher: Why do you want to know?
Little Johnny: When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.
9. Return from the market with his mother
Mother: What are you doing, Johnny?
Little Johnny: The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the broken seal.
10. Challenging grandpa
Little Johnny asked his grandpa to croak like a frog. He did it and asked why Johnny wanted to hear him croak. Johnny said, "Mommy said that we'll be loaded when you croak."
11. Caught digging a hole by the neighbour
Neighbour: Johnny, what is the hole for?
Little Johnny: It's to bury my goldfish.
Neighbour: Why is the hole so big, Johnny?
Little Johnny: It has to be! My goldfish is inside of your cat.
12. Improved his writing
Teacher: I'm glad to see your writing has improved.
Little Johnny: Thank you!
Teacher: However, now I can see how bad your spelling is!
13. During the Geometry lesson
Teacher: Little Johnny, I want you to give me a sentence using the word 'geometry'.
Little Johnny: The tiny seed grew and grew until it was finally big enough to say, 'Gee, I'm a tree!
14. During a horse auction with his dad
(Little Johnny is at a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, backside, and chest.)
Little Johnny: Dad, why are you doing that?
Father: Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.
Little Johnny: Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
15. Having not done the homework
Little Johnny: Can I be punished for something I haven't done?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!
Little Johnny: That's good to know because I haven't done my homework.
16. When mom and dad are trying to go
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says;
Little Johnny: Hey, dad! What are you doing?
Father: I'm filling your mom's tank.
Little Johnny: Oh yeah, well, you better get a better mileage model because the milkman filled her up this morning.
17. During a math lesson
Teacher: If you had ten dollars, and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?
Little Johnny: Ten.
Teacher: Ten? How do you get ten?
Little Johnny: That's because you may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!
Impressive long Little Johnny's humour lines
There are many different types of jokes that you can share with your friends. Little Johnny's jokes are always entertaining to share. Take a look at these dirty Little Johnny's jokes collections.
1. A stranger sitting next to little Johnny on a plane
Stranger: Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
Little Johnny: What would you like to discuss?"
Stranger: Oh, I don't know. How about nuclear power?
Little Johnny: OK. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?
Stranger: Jeez, I have no idea.
Little Johnny: Well, then. How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
2. A conversation with the priest while walking up a hill trying to pull a red wagon
Priest: You shouldn't use bad words, Little Johnny, because God is all around us, and he can hear you.
Little Johnny: Is he in the sky?
Little Johnny: Is he in that bush over there?
Little Johnny: Is he in my wagon?
Little Johnny: Well, can you ask him to get the f**k out and help me push!
3. During his brother's honeymoon
(Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. Then, as he goes out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.)
Little Johnny: Do you know what I think?
Mom: I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.
(Johnny comes home for lunch)
Johnny: Are Fred and Mary up yet?
Johnny: Do you know what I think?
Mom: Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
(After school, Johnny comes home and asks again)
Johnny: Are Fred and Mary up yet?
Little Johnny: Do you know what I think?
Mom: OK, do tell me what you think?
Little Johnny: Last night, Fred came to my room for the vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue.
4. A story from his aunt's house
(On his way home from school, Little Johnny stops at his aunt's house. He sees his father and aunt kissing passionately and stripping off their clothes. So Little Johnny returns home to tell his mother about the story.)
Little Johnny: I went to Aunt Karen's house and saw daddy giving a big kiss to Aunt Karen, taking her shirt off, and taking her pants off. Then aunt Karen…
(Shocked and angry, his mom interrupts)
Mother: Little Johnny, this is such a great story. I don't want your dad to miss it. Can you tell your story again at the dinner tonight? I want to see your dad's face when he hears it.
(Later that day, the family is having dinner, and the mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story.)
Little Johnny: Well, I went to Aunt Karen's house, and I saw daddy giving aunt Karen a big kiss, and then he took off her shirt. And then aunt Karen helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Karen did that same thing that mom and uncle Joe used to do when daddy was away on his business trips!
5. Mom is busy
(Little Johnny's mother was frantically attempting to get the ketchup out of the bottle. When the phone rang during her battle, she requested four-year-old Johnny to answer it. Johnny dashed into the living room and picked up the phone.)
Little Johnny: Mommy, it's the minister.
Mom: Tell him I'll call him back.
Little Johnny: Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.
6. Johnny is trying to answer a question
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Little Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Little Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?
Little Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now, if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Teacher: Johnny, wherein the heck do you get seven from?
Little Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!
7. What parents did
During parent-teacher conferences, the teachers asked the students what their parents did. Little Johnny said that his father is a magician. The teacher asked what his favourite magic trick was. Johnny said, "Well, he likes to cut people in half. I have two half-siblings."
8. Spending a day with mom
Little Johnny: Mom, I'm bored. I want to do something.
Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something?
(So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. Finally, he comes home in time for dinner.)
Mom: So Johnny, what did you learn today?
Little Johnny: Well, first the mason comes and pours the f*cking slab, then the carpenter puts up the c*cksucking frame, and finally the interior guy shows up and finishes the goddamn drywall.
Mom: Johnny! I'm going to whup your little b*tt. Go out back and fetch me a switch.
Little Johnny: F*ck you, that's the electrician's job.
9. The teacher decided to ask the class a riddle
Teacher: Does anyone know how to put 2 holes into one hole?
(None of the children knew the answer, so it was their homework to go home and figure out how to put 2 holes into one. The students returned the next day and still didn't know the answer.)
Teacher: I will show you the answer now, children.
(He proceeds to hold his pointer finger against his thumb, making a little ring. He then puts the ring he made with his fingers over his nose and says)
Teacher: Look, here is the hole I made with my fingers, and it is covering the 2 holes on my nose.
Little Johnny: Excuse me, sir, but do you know how to put 7 holes into one hole?
Teacher: I have no idea, Johnny; why don't you tell us how you put 7 holes into one hole?
Little Johnny: You simply sit on your recorder, sir.
10. Teacher trying to teach good manners
Teacher: Michael, if you were having dinner with a lovely young lady on a date, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael: Just a minute, I have to go pee.
Teacher: That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman? How would you say it?
Sherman: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Teacher: That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Little Johnny: I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.
11. Family's pet rooster dead
(When Little Johnny returned home from school, he discovered the family's beloved rooster had died in the front yard. It was flat on its back with its legs in the air, suffering from rigour Mortis. When his father returned home, he said)
Little Johnny: Dad, our rooster is dead, and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?
Father: Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.
Little Johnny: Gee, dad, that's great.
(A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him, yelling)
Little Johnny: Dad! Dad, we almost lost mom today!
Father: What do you mean?
Little Johnny: Well, dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom, and there was mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!
12. Asking his father a question
(One day, while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower, Johnny looked down and said)
Little Johnny: Dad, what's that hanging between your legs?
Dad: Oh Johnny, that's my nerve, and your's will be this big one of these days.
(Anyway, the next day, while in school, Johnny really had to pee, so he raised his hand and said)
Little Johnny: Miss, I really need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, not yet. There's someone gone.
(Not able to hold it in, Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee. Surprised to see her student pe*ing in a garbage can in front of the whole class, the teacher says)
Teacher: Johnny, you have some nerve!
Little Johnny: That's nothing you should see, my fathers.
13. Teacher making a bet with Johnny
Little Johnny: Teacher, I'll bet you $50. I can guess what colour your underwear is.
Teacher: OK, meet me after class, and we'll settle it.
(Before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her underwear. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.)
Little Johnny: Blue.
Teacher: Nope. You got it wrong. (As she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.)
Little Johnny: Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money.
(When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.)
Dad: That mother f*cker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your p*ssy before the end of the day!
14. Why are you laughing
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Student: I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week.
(Another student laughs)
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Student: I saw both straps of your bra.
Teacher: Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 month.
(The teacher bends to pick chalk, and Little Johnny starts walking out of the class.)
Teacher: Why are you going out?
Little Johnny: I think my school days are over with what I saw.
15. Homework about the government
(One day, a teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, and for homework, she encouraged her kids to question their parents about it.)
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was.
Father: Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future.
Little Johnny: I still don't get it.
Father: Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better.
Little Johnny: OK then...good night.
(Little Johnny was awakened in the middle of the night by his baby brother's wailing. When he went to his baby brother's cot, he saw that he had a cr*p in his diaper. As a result, Little Johnny went to his parent's room for assistance. When he entered his parents' room, he checked through the keyhole to see if they were sleeping.)
(He observed his mum snoring loudly through the keyhole, but his father wasn't there. As a result, he went inside the maid's room and saw his father having sex with the maid. Little Johnny was shocked, but then he realised something and expressed his thoughts loudly.)
Little Johnny: OH!! Now I understand the government! The president is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of sh*t!
16. Coming from Sunday school with a black eye
Father: Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?
Little Johnny: But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her b*tt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
Father: Johnny! You don't do those kinds of things to women.
(The very next Sunday, Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue)
Father: Johnny, I thought we had a talk!
Little Johnny: But Dad, it wasn't my fault. There we were in church, saying our prayers. We all stood up, and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her b*tt. Then Louie, who was sitting next to me, saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!
Little Johnny's jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh. The wording and phrases used are hilarious. Be the funny one in the group by always sharing these nice and funny jokes with your group members.
Cow jokes are universally relatable. They can also be found in a variety of examples. Check out this article for some amusing cow jokes to share with friends and family.