33 best Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes, and one-liners
Mitch Hedberg was a stand-up comedian from the United States. He was famous for his surreal humour and one-liners. His jokes and quotes left his fans rolling on the floor. Discover some of the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes, and one-liners to share with loved ones.
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Mitch was born in St. Paul, Minnesota in 1968. He started his comedy career in the 90s, getting his big break in the Late Show with David Letterman. He passed away in 2005 at the age of 37 years old. Here are some of the best Mitch Hedberg jokes that will leave you chuckling.
Mitch Hedberg quotes
Mitch Hedberg was one of the best stand-up comedians. His punchlines to his jokes always cracked his fans. Below are funny quotes from Mitch Hedberg you will enjoy.
- Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- If I had a dollar for every time, I said that I'd be making money in a very weird way.
- I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want 2,000 of something.
- You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
- I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Best Mitch Hedberg quotes
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If you are a fan of Mitch Hedberg jokes, you will enjoy the quotes below. They touch on various aspects of life, making them relatable.
- A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
- The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
- I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant because the customer is always right.
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.
- Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
Hillarious Mitch Hedberg jokes
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Having a sense of humour makes life easy and worth living. Mitch Hedberg had a great sense of humour that came out through his jokes. Here are the comedian's funniest jokes.
- Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
- I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
- I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen, and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
- When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here, you throw this away.
- I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
- I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg's best one-liners
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Jokes do not have to be long to be funny. They can be short and to the point. Below are short quotes by Mitch Hedberg to put a smile on your face.
- A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
- You can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all those people were at my show.
- If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink, but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
- If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
- I'm into carpooling because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
- If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
- I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.
- I got a smoke alarm at home, but really, it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
- If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have a very good posture.
Mitch Hedberg was one of the greatest comedians in America. The comedian might be dead, but his legacy lives. If you are looking for a good laugh, the above are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes and one-liners.
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Communication is important in all aspects of life. Moreover, relationships work best when the parties involved can communicate well. Discover quotes about communication for you to strengthen your relationships.
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