Writer Defines Who Is Who In Postponed Elections Writer Defines Who Is Who In Postponed Elections

Tolu Ogunlesi, a renowned auhtor and guest contributor, offers his own list of definitions while trying to define who is who in the upcoming (and somewhat notorious) 2015 presidential elections.

APC: see Change.

Boko Haram:

– the most powerful in the line-up of political and non-political forces empowered to alter elections dates in Nigeria;

– believe that everything invented in the West is sinful – except video cameras, guns, rocket-propelled grenades, motorcycles, Toyota Hilux vans, dollar bills, and the Internet.


– once a no-nonsense dictator, now believed to have been converted, by the sudden fall of the Soviet Union, into a no-nonsense democrat;

– wants to displace Obasanjo (see below) to become Nigeria’s most no-nonsense civilian president ever.

Card readers: a device resembling POS machines intended to prevent Mike Tyson and Mohammed Ali from voting in the Nigerian elections.

Certificate:  any document relating to politics, and posssessing a mind of its own – the ability to self-invent and self-destruct in bewilderingly random fashion.

Change: see APC.

Chatham house: a globally respected think tank rumoured to contain a secret medical facility (Chatham Hospital) that offers generous discounts to Nigerian opposition politicians.

Debate: any event in Nigerian politics possessing a probability of approximately zero, e.g. APC winning the governorship election in Cross River State, or PDP winning any election in Vice President Namadi Sambo’s ward.

Dictator, Ex.: see Buhari.

Facebook: see Social Media.

Fayose (also known as Fani-Kayode): any with an uncanny ability to get away with saying or doing things that, in the mouth or hands of other people, would be swiftly and lastingly career-destroying.

Government of national unity: a government of enemies, for enemies and by enemies.


– the “Independent” National Electoral Commission;

– 100 percent “independent” if you discountenance the military, Boko Haram, high courts, Finance Ministry and Chinese suppliers.


– current holder of the Most-Abused-President-in-the-World title;

– seeking to become The First Most-Abused-President-In-The-World-To-Win-A-Second-Term (And A Third Swearing-In).

Kowa: the only Nigerian party whose 2015 presidential candidate is a woman and whose logo features a tool that belongs to the 21st, not 18th, century.

Military: the fourth branch of the Nigeria’s government along with the Executive, Legislature and Judiciary. Areas of expertise include citizen dehumanization, subsidy protest resolution and electoral strategy.

Osinbade: see Osinbajo (synonyms).

Osinbajo: a pastor alleged to have 5,000 churches under his watch running for vice presidency of Nigeria. He is rumoured to be actually keen on a mission to christianize Nigeria from Bayelsa to Borno.

Obasanjo: aging Nigerian political warlord operating from a fortified base on the hills of Abeokuta, Lagos. Famous for his brand of cluster ‘saliva’ bombs, which have been bringing down Nigerian governments since 1983.

PVC: a biometric card that entitles you to be engaged in ‘Permanently Violent Conversation’ on the social media, or ‘Post-election Violence and Chaos’ after March 28.

PDP: the biggest party in Africa where the champagne starts flowing whenever the crude oil runs out.

Queue: thirty years ago, "queue" meant a line of people being flogged by Buhari’s whips. Today, it refers to a line of people clutching jerry-cans waiting for Jonathan’s petrol. On March 28, it will refer to a line of people clutching Jega’s PVCs while waiting for the "change".

Sambo: any person, or persons, who come(s) alive once four years.

Supreme court: the only people in Nigeria who are constitutionally allowed to vote in the elections without using PVCs.

Social media: originally invented as a tool for making sex more available to those who would not have a chance in real life. Since Nigerian politicians discovered it in 2010, it has transformed into the world’s largest animal farm specializing in cloning sheep, goats, and chameleons.

Twitter: Twitter to Facebook is what Vine is to YouTube. If you’re still confused, you should have been living in 1915, not 2015 (see also "social media").


- the most important part of Nigerian electorate deciding who is going to win the elections;

- made up mostly of people who are too old to get a job, but too young to occupy a serious political office.

This article expresses the author’s opinion only. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of or its editors.


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